i pulled an allnighter, in hopes to get my sleeping cycle back in check.
it’s only 1PM, but I’m on my 4th coffee and I feel good.
I have an exam at 2, and i should be studying but i can’t help but to tumble.
In the oddest times you pop into my head. Today i remembered the time we went to Dunville, to that organic farm. Where we got our knees dirty and picked green beans in the fields, and we threw little rocks in the pond, coated in algae. we watched it break the green, and make ripples that grew until they faded and disappeared. Trying to toss the rocks in the little cracks we made in the water, to see who could get the closest. That was a good day. Fuck i miss you so much. Sometimes not at all, sometimes a little at a time, and other times it comes all at once. I can’t have my mind occupied with you, I need to study for this exam. I’m glad though, that I’m on my own; this is what I wanted. I hope I don’t regret this, I hope I take this time to find my way. To discover myself, and finally feel good about where and who I am.
At least I feel good today. Awake, and alive. Thats all anyone can ever hope for anyhow.
I feel myself slipping into depression again. I can feel myself drifting away into the darkness that swallowed me whole last time. I won’t let it wash over me, I won’t let it take me.
I can’t fight it anymore. I can’t quiet all the voices in my head. I fall silent, I sit still, but these thoughts are so loud I can’t hear myself over them. I’m losing it. So I sleep. I sleep a lot, hoping to drift into a moment of peace where I can be free and unchained. To escape from here. My eyes are tired and empty, my fire has gone out. It’s only a matter of time now.
I let this take hold of me, and carry me away. I cannot control it anymore. Pick me up, and bring me crashing down. Shatter my rotten bones on this floor. Bend me past my breaking point, until I crack in half. Shake me, spin me round, and watch me unravel. It’s so beautiful isn’t it? To see someone so broken, fall apart before your hungry eyes.
A quiet and persistent reminder, a whisper in my ear I cannot quiet.
Pretty little marionette, with your strings frayed at the ends. Worn, and tired.
Didn’t your mother ever tell you? We are always ripe, and ready to be taken.
most men are the same. you think they aren’t until they are.
they promise you they are different and that they would never hurt you, until they do.
i don’t think they’re the problem though. i think it figured it out tonight.
time to stop shifting blame. i’m done with that.
i’m done with all of this.